Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Ridonkulous... These are the Tales, the Groupie Tales...

So...

Back in the day (when I was employed) I spent a lot of my downtime perusing the internet. One of the favorite pastimes of my coworker T1 and I was reading gossip sites. We frequented sites like Oh No They Didn't, The YBF and Media Takeout constantly. But one of our most favorite sites was Tales from a Groupie, a site where slut-whores the world over would send in stories of their encounters with famous men (and women).

Now anyone who knows me, knows that I am Lupe Fiasco's #1 fan and have had multiple encounters with him. But none of them have been of a sexual nature (eeewww, gross). I am a FAN, not a groupie. Let's not EVER get that twisted.


But I digress... Being the elitist that I am, who just so happens to also be a huge fan of a pretty famous rapper, I am often witness to the desperate measures people will sink to in order to meet and/or spend time with them. Because I am an ANONYMOUS elitist, I really do try my best not to judge (Lord knows I am no saint) but sometimes I just cannot hold my tongue.

Since I no longer have a job, I have lots and lots of downtime these days. And aside from applying for new jobs and going on interviews, I spend my time doing basically the same thing I did at work; perusing the internet reading the same sites.

Today, I decided to check out Tales from a Groupie. The last time I read it, I was traumatized because of a groupie encounter with a certain football player who happens to be one of my favorites. But, it's been a few weeks and I was finally ready to get back on that horse and start reading the alluring anecdotes (which may, or may not be fiction) once more.

Now I'm not expecting anyone who would go all the way with someone within the first hours of meeting them just because they're famous to have Pulitzer Prize level writing skills, but dizzamn... I expect them to AT LEAST be able to handle a simple declarative sentence.

After skimming through tales of groupie love with Buddha (from I love NY), DMX, Lamman Rucker and Talib Kweli, I stumbled upon a story about Plies. I figured it would be pretty interesting, seeing as how sexually explicit his songs are. I figured it would be a good read (and a good laugh). I should've stopped reading it at the first sign of trouble, which was the sentence where our narrator, Ashly, wrote this:

So later on that day it was 10;30pm & i had just got out the shower getting ready to go to sleep untill my phone went off & as i looked at the number It said plies & omg i got the screaming like somebody was killing me so i had picked up & we was talking for like 10 minutes & he had ask me if i can come & since he's older then me he was like or is past your bed time so i laugh & said yea i can come over so i was like i be there in like a hour & outta no where he said naw i dont want you to drive you to pretty for that i'll have one of my homies come pick you up.

Talk about writing how you talk! Geez! This is thee worst run-on, incomprehensible sentence that I've read in a while. I didn't think it could get any worse than that until this:

So 30 minutes later his homie pulled up & as i was getting in plies was on the webcam *lol* looking so cute on the laptop screen so we start talking throu webcams untill i got there & when i finally got there he open the door in his pj's which is nothing but his b-ball shorts & some ankle socks so he told me to come in as he closed the door & walked me into the living room & omg the way he had it set up omg it was so pretty so we sat down & started talking & next thing i know he start kissing me from my hand to my neck so softly.

Paltry punctuation. Ghastly grammar. Shoddy spelling. But wait... It gets worse... :

when we got done it was 7;43am & we both looked at our phones & saw we had made missed phone calls & he was like that was amazing & we took a shower together & after that we stayed in touch i became his girlfriend & on mondays when he not busy me & him & he's son go out to eat & catch a movie or something & since we been together his sex got better

Wow... I skipped over the gory details (this is a family blog) but I'm sure you get the gist. This girl has to either be a) a fourth grader, 2) mentally retarded, or d) dumber than a box of rocks. She really should look into taking a couple of remedial English classes at her local community college. If you're going to be slutting it up with rappers and sending your stories in for the world to read, you should at least make sure that they're well-written.

I believe the children are our future... And the future looks dim...

-V
"People say I think that I'm better than them... But I don't really trip... 'Cause I'm better than them..."




Friday, August 14, 2009

Repugnant... Have You Ever Danced with the Devil in the Pale Moonlight?

Yeah... Me neither. But I worked for the devil for a year and a half. And let me tell you... It was hell.

So I was laid off almost 2 months ago from The Seventh Circle of Hell. While it was truly a nightmare, it paid the bills. We had been hearing for a while that there were going to be budget cuts and then, low and behold, out of the blue (like 3 days before the new fiscal year started) The Devil herself* calls me into her office and tells me it's my last day.

The Devil herself

During this meeting, she informed me that she had laid off one person from each team because of budget cuts and that she'd been losing sleep and feeling sick over the whole situation. LIES! Only 3 people were laid off (all black; all non-conformist to the 7th Circle culture). But here's the kicker; she knew for over a month that she was going to lay us off. She told one of the other people they were getting laid off because he "just got married" and she thought it was important for him to "be able to prepare." WTF? I'm not married but I have rent and bills too! What kind of evil ass bullsh*t is that?

UGH!...

So on my last day, as I exited the building, I took this:

Hey, I figured they'd given me a figurative middle finger. The least I could do was give them a literal one

I then uploaded it to my work fun photo album on facebook as the final picture in my album of shenanigans at the 7th circle. Turns out that some douchebag (one of the people on my friends list who works there) told La Diabla and she, in turn, tells my former team members to tell me to take it down.

HA!... In your dreams, babe...

So, yesterday I happened to be up the street from my old job and had a gift for one of my former teammates. I decided to pop in for just a second to drop it off (hell is hot and I've never been one for heat). After ignoring the insistence of the people at the front desk to sign in (I don't f*cking work there anymore. I refuse to follow their dumbass rules) I make my way to my former team's room where none other than J-Dubb aka La Diabla is conversing with one of my former team members.

Yikes!...

Of Course I ignore her (because I don't talk to people that I don't like) and after a brief salutation to my former teammate, I begin writing a note for my other teammate for whom I brought the gift, as she was off yesterday. As I'm writing, La Diabla says "Uhhhhhh... Hellooooo?" As if I'm obligated to greet her.

I turned around slowly... Gave her the stink eye**... And proceeded to say "Wassup." When I was done writing, I said goodbye to my former teammate and immediately left the building.

My little sister, Sweet D, cracking an egg of her 16-year-old wisdom on me, said that I should have been more polite. She said that even though J-Dubb is a royal pain in my soul, I should've been the bigger person. But I say, I WAS the bigger person. You have no IDEA how many cleverly crafted awful, hurtful and downright mean things I could've said to her. I'm somewhat of a word genius, if you will.

Anyway, I won't be anywhere near that hellhole for a while... Familiarity breeds contempt. And absence makes the heart grow fonder... Lol

-V
"People say I think that I'm better than them... But I don't really trip... 'Cause I'm better than them..."

*I'm not referring to J-Dubb as the devil because she's white and has blue eyes. I'm referring to her as the devil because she's in charge. And if my memory serves me correctly, isn't the devil the head honcho in hell?

**Not familiar with the stink eye? This is mine:
P.S.

A video... Of happier times... Although, in hell... Happiness is relative... ENJOY!
video

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Reloaded... EXTRA, EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT!...

Miss [mellow] Yellow of the infamous Reservoir Dogs blogging group is back with my very own blog. At least once a day, I am either involved in or witness to some sort of uncomfortable, ridiculous, ignorant, outrageous or just plain unbelievable encounter with someone whose intelligence (both common and academic) is well-beneath mine.

Often I am accused of being arrogant, uppity and pretentious. For a while, this bothered me. But after much thought and consideration I have embraced my inner elitist. And though I would NEVER openly bust someone out or make them feel stupid, I will most DEFINITELY do it here.

So there you have it. I'm an elitist. Holding in the hate and tongue-lashings in order to be polite and not make waves (because I REFUSE to do anything ever again that involves making waves... Ugh*). Are you an elitist too? If so, then this blog is for you.

Welcome to Elitists Anonymous. Feel free to look around.

-V
"People say I think that I'm better than them... But I don't really trip... 'Cause I'm better than them..."

*I worked for this God-awful institution(until I was laid off in June) which I affectionately refer to now as The Seventh Circle of Hell...